


If I Ain't Got You

by sassystarrynight



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Flashbacks, Friendship, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Soulmates AU, Thor POV, Thundershield Fan Work Exchange 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 20:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4579716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassystarrynight/pseuds/sassystarrynight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor waits for the day he finds his soulmate and he thinks it sad, that Midgardians don't have them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Ain't Got You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daphnomancy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daphnomancy/gifts).



> I hope it isn't too confusing. I had inspiration and then lost it and had it again and lost it again.  
> Had an idea, not sure how well it turned out. But hope it's ok.  
> Sorry for all the mistakes.  
> And I really hope it is not confusing.  
> And sorry for the lack of thundershield, it's very Thor focused but I just really love Thor.
> 
> Hope you like it!!

 Thor chuckled as he watched Tony try to pull Rhodey into a game of….Thor wasn’t completely sure what the game was. However, it was amusing to see Tony and Rhodey bicker.  Someone settled next to him but he didn’t turn his head, he didn’t have to. His skin tingled and his body automatically relaxed, all the tension leaving his body and he didn’t bother fighting the smile that stretched his lips. There was only one person that had him reacting this way, so he didn’t bother turning to know it was Steve.

“Is Tony at it again?” he asked and Thor didn’t have to look at him to know he was crossing his arms and wearing an amused grin. Finally he turned his head to grin at the Captain, pushing away from the wall and moving towards the kitchen, Steve following.

“I believe it will be another ten minutes before Rhodey tires of Tony’s incessant whining and gives into his demands. He always does put up a good fight,” Thor chuckled while rummaging around the fridge for something to snack on. He could feel Steve’s eyes on him.

Part of him could do without the hyperawareness that came with Steve being his soulmate.

“You’ve been quiet lately, ever since you came back from visiting Jane…..” Steve finally broke the silence but Thor busied himself with making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She had not spoken to him about his soulmate this time around, didn’t ask who he was, didn’t ask for a name, but her advice to tell him……it haunted him….should he? It planted a doubt in his mind that perhaps…..perhaps he could have more?

He let himself frown for a moment, before remembering that Steve was waiting for an answer, looking at him intently which meant he could see Thor frowning. He forced his frown to melt away, “ah, it is nothing. Do not worry.”

Steve looked at him, skeptical; “you miss her?” his question was asked in a soft and gentle tone reminding Thor that Steve had people he missed too, and the kindness and consideration in his tone set his heart fluttering. He would have to call Jane and tell her that he did not appreciate their conversation, not at all. When he thought he was content with his relationship, Jane had to come in and scramble his mind once again.

On the outside, he only laughed and shook his head, waving his hand in the air, “she is my friend, I miss her and Darcy, but I do know how to use the phone. No matter how much I prefer to pretend I do not.”

He motioned to his phone that sat on the counter, which made Steve grin, but it wasn’t his full grin, which only meant he didn’t quite believe Thor.  It warmed his heart to know that Steve cared for him, made him want to preen at the attention but he pushed those feelings to the side.  

“Do not worry, it truly is nothing. I am well,” he clasped Steve’s shoulder, before picking up his sandwich and phone, moving back to his room.

“Are we still watching that movie?” Steve asked, keeping up with Thor as they made their way towards the elevator.

“Unless you do not wish to watch it?” Thor raised an eyebrow, but Steve quickly assured him that he still wanted to watch it and would meet him in Thor’s room in a little bit.  Thor watched him go with a big grin, waiting until Steve was out of sight to drop his grin, letting out a sad sigh.

He felt a tug at his heart at watching Steve leave but he ignored it, like he was used to do doing now.

>>>>

**Our universe grants every soul a twin…..**

>>>>

_The first time his mother talked to him about soulmates he was barely old enough to say the word properly._

_Her mark was a beautiful rune etched onto her skin, right below her ear. It was small, but he was curious and he tried reading it out loud all the time. His mother always just laughed, never telling him, listening to him try to read it. He knew that the rune was the name of his mother’s soulmate, but he had no idea what a soulmate was, but he knew what a name was._

_So he tried and tried to read it, until finally, he understood it was his father’s name._

_And so his mother held him close and told him…._

_“The person that makes you feel complete, who without you can’t imagine continuing to live, “ she told him._

_Those words echoed in his head as he watched her lie still, dressed in her finest dress, mouth set into a peaceful smile, eyes never to open again._

_He looked to his father and wondered……_

_Now he had to continue living without her…._

_How do you live when the empty feeling returns?_

>>>>

“What is this?”

She broke the silence, her voice closer than he had expected it to be. Yet, he continued toweling his hair dry, responding with only a quick, “it is a mark.” She huffed and he chuckled, easily picturing the annoyance on her face. He wasn’t expecting to feel her touch; it was gentle, barely a whisper as her finger traced the mark on his shoulder blade. He let the towel drop to his knee, turning his head to look over his shoulder at her.

“It is the name of my soulmate.”

As if she had been burnt, she pulled her hand away but before she could apologize he grinned, “it is fine, Jane.”

“Soulmates are private and personal, you said that, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

Thor only chuckled again, “do not fret, had it bothered me I would have let you know.” He offered her a smile which she returned, but he could see her fighting back her question.

“Do you want to know who it is?” he was teasing her and she could clearly hear it in his tone, but she still blushed, flustered even as she glared at him. But her anger melted away and Thor loved how smart Jane was, regardless of how much he disliked the sadness on her face. Sadness on his behalf.

“They are from Earth, aren’t they? You didn’t have it when we met, so it has to be recent enough, right?” Jane frowned, trying to connect all the dots.

“He is Midgardian.” Thor offered, and she must have heard the slight sadness in his tone for Jane stopped and looked at him.

“They don’t know, do they?”

Thor shook his head, finally standing up and throwing the wet towel over his shoulder.

“There is no reason for them to know-“

“Thor! He is your soulmate!”

Thor placed a hand on Jane’s shoulder, “you do not have soulmates, not like we do. It is not the same. Why should I bother them with this? No, he does not need to know. Soulmates are friends, the best of friends, who understand you in ways other cannot. He does, he is a close friend and I cherish that. It is enough there is no need for anything more. I will not be greedy in this.”

_You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy! You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy! You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy! You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy! You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy! You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy!_

“Do you…want more?”

She asked him, breaking him out of his thoughts, her small hand resting on his shoulder but he wasn’t sure how to answer that. Yes, he did want more but….

_You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy!_

“I shall be fine, what we have is enough Jane. Do not worry for me, instead let us worry about what it is that Darcy will be feeding us for dinner.”

>>>>

There was nothing but silence as he stared out at the night sky, his hand rubbing circles on his chest, hoping to alleviate the painful clenching of his heart. He knew it would be useless, but he knew not what else to do.

There was something amiss with Steve, he could feel it. It made him want to rush out but he stayed. This wasn’t the time nor was it his place.

_Mother, watch over him for me._

He felt a soft touch on his arm, making a small smile grace his lips. At times, he wished it was her name inked into his skin. But that thought made him feel guilty, even though Steve has no idea, it was not fair to him nor to Jane.

“You going to tell me what is keeping you up?”

“I feel him, out there.”

Jane squeezed his arm in understanding. She was good to him and that made him smile. She rested her head against his shoulder, falling asleep like that, not waking up when he picked her up and laid her next to Darcy.

He watched the two sleep for a minute before returning to his vigil by the window.

How he hoped Steve was well.

>>>>>

**A reflection of themselves……**

>>>>> 

_The day he asked his mother about the empty feeling, about how he felt like he was missing something, was the day he realized how important soulmates were. He knew they were, but never had it affected him before until now._

_He poked at his food, slept fitfully, dreaming of darkness and only darkness. There was coldness within him that no matter what he did, nothing could melt it. He laughed and he smiled, but something….just did not feel right._

_He was still so young, his mother would tell him, pushing his hair back while smiling sadly at him. They weren’t supposed to feel the lack of a soulmate until an older age, but she always knew he was special._

_At any other moment he would have preened, but it didn’t make the loneliness in his heart fade._

_“Soulmates fill that emptiness you feel, with them you feel warm, like the sun is always shining, the sky always blue and nothing can go wrong.”_

_He dreamed of the bluest skies after that talk._

_There was no more darkness, only a beautiful blue._

>>>>>

He outstretched his hand, feeling the weight of the Captain’s hand settling upon his. Warmth surged up from his arm, engulfing him, if felt as if he had drank a pint of mead but better, so much better. He wanted to grin, to laugh, and for a second it was as if he were back in Asgard, young and foolish, laughing with his friends….and yet, this was much better because for the first time he felt whole. This all happened in a matter of seconds, and the moment the Captain was back on his feet Thor let go. Just like that, he was back in New York, back in the battle field. Words slipped from his lips as a voice in his head, sounding like his brother, laughed.

_A Midgardian brother?_

>>>>> 

_His mother had looked at him with her arms open wide for him to fall into. He did, letting himself crumble for the first time._

_Her arms wrapped around him and just like when he was a child, he felt like nothing could hurt him; her love made it easier to ignore the tearing of his heart._

>>>>> 

[He missed her terribly.]

>>>>> 

_Trust? Was that her last expression, trust? While you let her die?_

_> >>>_

He cannot sleep, thinking of the destruction his brother has caused, wondering what would happen now, and thinking…mostly thinking….of the runes he now had engraved upon his skin.

He put them to paper, repeated them over and over letting them fill the pages, changing them, mixing them with words, writing tales of his childhood.

It was not until Steve spoke up that Thor realized he had company and just like that, Thor felt himself go warm, heart speeding up and finally, he realized how for the past few minutes he had been relaxed in a way he had never been before.  

“Are those runes? They are beautiful,” Steve started first, motioning to Thor’s work. For a second Thor panicked, for his decision had been made even before he had realized it. He didn’t want Steve to know. Not yet, not now. There were too many thoughts running through his head….

He could hear his father, could hear his brother…and just…not yet. 

 “I can teach you,” Thor offered smiling, ripping the papers he’d written up and crumbling them.

>>>>

**A kindred spirit……**

>>>>

“They are soulmates.”

He watched the way that Jane’s face scrunched up in confusion, before softening, grinning from ear to ear.

“Ahh, well that is nice that they found each other.”

Thor nodded, because it was nice, because he was still searching, Sif was still searching, so many were still searching.

“So are they married? Did they like put a ring on each other?”

Thor turned to look at Darcy and let out a soft laugh, “no, they are not married! However, Fandral would not protest for he rather fancies Hogun’s wife.”

Jane and Darcy both frowned, now more confused than anything.

“They are not together?”

Thor looked at them confused for a moment, before it dawns on him what it is that they are asking.

“They are soulmates, and although some do end up in the type of relationship you are referring to, not all of them do. Some soulmates end up being a family member, some are just the best of friends. How do soulmates work here in Midgard?”

“We don’t have any.”

In that moment he had felt sorry for them; they didn’t have that one person that completed them, that person who would ensure they were not alone.

He pitied them.

How foolish of him.

>>>>  
_Through your arrogance and stupidity, you've opened these peaceful realms and innocent lives to the horror and desolation of war! You are unworthy of these realms, you're unworthy of your title, you're unworthy... of the loved ones you have betrayed!_

>>>>

Now that they lived together in the tower, seeing each other on a regular basis, Thor found himself teaching Steve more about their runes. He had been surprised to learn that Steve had research runes from Scandinavia, very similar to those they used in Asgard.

There were obviously differences but it had warmed Thor’s heart to see that Steve actually cared.

And Steve would always beam satisfied when he was able to distinguish a good number of words.

It made Thor want to kiss him.

The first time that the thought crossed his mind, he had been devastated, because why couldn’t his heart have accepted Steve as a friend? Why couldn’t he just let Steve’s presence wash over him, make his worries dissipate without Thor wanting to meld their lips together, feel him pressed tightly against him?

That was when he started to try ignore those feelings.

But it proved to be futile.

>>>>

_Ask yourself: what would you sacrifice, for what you believe?_

>>>>

**And no matter where they are…..**

>>>>

Their steps echoed in the deserted hallway while the plan kept replaying in his head. His grief was pushed down for he wasn’t going to lose anyone else. They had to do this, it had to work.

He ignored his brother’s antics as best as he could and he almost managed.

For a split second he felt himself faltering as his brother took Steve’s visage. It wasn’t the same, there wasn’t any warmth, but he was startled. It made him think of Steve, made him remembered the warmth, that feeling of flying, the way his heart would be soothed and in that moment he wished Steve could really be there. Thor knew without a doubt that Steve’s presence would help him with his grief.

But, he willed himself to ignore it, to keep calm and continue his walking. But there was only so much he could ignore and before he realized it, he was slamming his brother against the wall.

He could see the surprise in his brother’s eyes, but thankfully the sound of soldiers gave him the best excuse.

Thor knew, he knew that Loki should never have the knowledge of who his soulmate ended up being. It was a secret that Thor would keep close to his heart.

>>>> 

_Loki was still just a toddler when Thor caught sight of a birthmark, it was strange and for a second Thor had worried something was wrong with his brother._

_Was his brother dying?_

_But his mother had only laughed and patted his head, telling him that his brother was special._

_And Thor had beamed, nodding eagerly because it was true._

_It would be a few years later that he would catch a glimpse of the birthmark again, it was bigger, clearer and it was easily noticed on Loki’s pale skin. It almost looked like a rune._

_And then he realized that it must be his brother’s soulmate._

_Part of him was envious that his brother had found it, the other part wondered if Loki had been born with the name on his skin. He’d never heard of that._

_But his brother had always been special._

>>>>

 [His missed his brother; missed how things used to be.]

>>>>

_That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me, and I will kill you._

_> >>>_ 

Thor settled down on the sofa, head resting on the armrest, eyes glued to the ceiling. He could recall Sif and Jane telling him that he needed to tell Steve….but did he really? What would it change? Was he doing the right thing? Was he being selfish again? Why couldn’t he be selfish in this? Wasn’t it his business, Steve was his soulmate not theirs…. why couldn’t he be happy like this?

Because he wasn’t happy…not really….

“Thor?”

Thor blinked , his view of the ceiling blocked by the worried face of Steve and how funny, that even though Steve was his problem, he was still the only one that could ease his worries. Those eyes full of warmth and worry made Thor smile, without meaning to. Sometimes Thor didn’t even realized that he was smiling.

“Steve,” he offered a smile but Steve kept frowning at him, “I thought you were out with Natasha and Sam,” he continued but Steve kept on frowning.

Steve shook his head and moved around the sofa; automatically Thor sat up, moving his feet to let Steve sit down. Sometimes Thor wondered if they moved so easily together because they were soulmates or was it just from living together?

“You’ve been out of sorts lately.”

Steve looked at him expectantly and Thor didn’t want to lie to him, but was it lying? Nothing was necessarily wrong….he was starting to sound like his brother. This caused his lips to quirk into a bittersweet smile.

He glanced back at Steve, serious but calm and for a second Thor wondered how long before Steve patience waned. Steve was a man better suited for action.  But this was serious for Thor, so he cleared his throat and pulled his shoulders back.

He felt like he was going into a battle.

“Do you remember what Sif mentioned to you?”

“About soulmates.”

Thor offered a weak smile because of course Steve knew what he was talking about.

“You found yours.”

Thor nodded, not surprised that Steve had put that together. It had been two weeks now, since Sif had visited and it surprised Thor that Steve had waited this long to talk to him. It wouldn’t have taken him this long to figure it out….but, of course, Steve had been worried on how to bring it up, had worried on how to help. It made his smile that much sadder which Steve must have noticed because he reached out to squeeze Thor’s shoulder.

“They don’t know they are your soulmate then? They are from Earth, aren’t they? We don’t have soulmates like you do.”

Once again, Thor wasn’t surprised so he laughed and laughed, his laughter sounding hollow to his own ears but Steve didn’t press. He didn’t ask for a name, didn’t ask for anything else, all he did was pull Thor close and held him.

It worked.

>>>>

**Or how far they are from each other….**

>>>> 

Her eyes were narrowed as she looked at him, because she knew there was something different. He let her look at him, let her step forward and place a hand on his shoulder, her eyes asking and he answered.

“Midgardian.”

“Not your Lady Jane then?”

She asked him, tone laced with a sadness that he had a long time ago learned how to ignore. Instead, he focused on the worried tone.

“No, I was not blessed with such luck.”

“A soulmate is not luck, they are your fate.”

Sif’s tone was clipped, steeled cutting through him like a blade, because she was right. He knew her own skin laid unblemished, her soul still search for its missing piece. He bowed his head in apology.

“Do they know?”

He only shook his head, saying nothing to her words of encouragement.

>>>> 

**Even if they are in different dimensions…..**

>>>> 

_He hoped, watching out for the day he would meet his soulmate. Every new person he met was a possibility, but none of them where his soulmates. He watched as everyone around him found their soulmate._

_While he remained alone, and he smiled through it all; he would settle next to Sif, both of them waiting._

_At one point, he imagined what life would have been like if she had been his soulmate. Both of them, warriors, out in the battlefield, having each other’s back._

_They kissed once, but the coldness remained and he could see it in her eyes too._

_Although it was painful, and he wished for her to find her soulmate, he was glad that he had someone who felt the same way he did._

_Cold and alone._

>>>>

The thought never crossed his mind, so he did not worry when he left Sif and Steve in the same room. It was not until he made his way back into the living room, noticing the determined look in Sif’s eyes and her jaw clenched tight. He knew that look, it was her stance she took in the battlefield, ready to take any foe and die a warrior’s death if need be.

Steve looked perplexed, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to understand something.

It was only when Sif turned to look at him chin held up defiantly and Steve looked at him, adorably confused that Thor felt cold panic wash over him.

He stood there, glancing away from Steve to look at Sif. She must have seen his panic, for she softened and move towards him.

“I was only telling Captain America of some of the differences between Midgardians and Asgardians that I found interesting. There is already much he knows of our world, I was surprised, though he was missing what I considered to be our most important difference,” she touched his arm, before bowing her head and stepping away.

He looked towards Steve, who only smiled running a hand through his hair in a nervous gesture.

“Sometimes I forgot who I’ve told what concerning Asgard, although, you are better off learning from Sif, she always did pay more attention than I did,” Thor grinned, putting on a bright grin and clapping Steve on the shoulder.

“So she was not kidding about the soulmate thing?”

Thor was proud of himself, as he only laughed at the question.

“She was definitely not, trust me, Sif never takes conversations about soulmates lightly,” Thor moved away and towards the kitchen, shifting the conversation to something else.

>>>>

 **They will always find one another.**  
>>>>

“Am I your soulmate?” There was insecurity in the question and Thor didn’t turn around, couldn’t turn around. He could feel Steve’s eyes on him, right on his shoulder blades that were at the moment hidden by his shirt. They had been avoiding each other until now.

Thor could say no, but he couldn’t lie to Steve, not about this. He could keep this a secret, but deny Steve? Deny him? Never.

“Yes.”

There was silence but Thor knew that Steve was still there.

“Why?”

Thor wasn’t sure what Steve was asking but Steve wasn’t done.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

That question finally made Thor turn around to look at Steve, “Midgardians don’t have soulmates.” How would it have helped? What did it matter?

“But I do,” Steve answered, vehemently, glaring at Thor like he had betrayed him. “I have a soulmate, don’t you understand? I have someone, I’m not alone. There is someone out there who can fill the hole I have felt ever since I can remember!”

“Steve-“

“You know how many times I’ve forced myself to keep my distance? How many times I’ve wondered what is wrong with me? When all I’ve wanted to do was hold your hand, thinking I was crazy when I could so clearly feel your sadness? And you must feel my anger now! You know what I’m feeling.”

Thor did know, anger, hurt, relief, panic, confusion, so many things. He wasn’t sure what were his feelings and which were Steve’s, but it didn’t matter, because they were one and the same.

“You were going to let me live the rest of my life alone.”

Thor had no words.

>>>>

Thor hadn’t thought about it, modesty was not something that he indulged in often. It did not bother him, walking about without a shirt or pants for that matter. He was not ashamed of his body but he understood that customs were different on Midgard.

There was a quirk of Natasha’s eyebrows and a shrug from Clint and a lingering look from Sam, the only reactions to the tattoo on his shoulder blade.  They didn’t know what it meant nor what it said.

But he forgot that Steve did.

Thor grunted as he found himself being thrown to the ground, Steve swiftly pressing his knee to the middle of his back, arms bent behind him. It was a strong hold and Thor laughed, until he felt the hold on his arms tightened and the knee pressing him down almost painfully.

“Steve,” he called back to him and in a second Steve was backpedaling away, getting to his feet. Thor watched him confused, slowly getting to his feet but Steve only looked at him.

“Steve?” Thor tried again but Steve only shook his head.

“Turn around.” It was a command, it was clipped and cold and nothing like Thor was used to hearing from Steve. Why did Steve want him to turn around?

“Steve.”

“Let me see it,” Steve gritted and Thor remembered, because he had foolishly forgotten that he’d taught Steve the runes.

“You already saw it.”

Steve knew.

>>>>

**This is destiny.**

>>>>

For a couple of days Steve kept his distance while Thor hovered around, unsure of what to say to mend their relationship. He knew the words but he didn’t feel they were accurate enough to explain his sentiment.

“Steve?” he knocked on Steve’s door, relieved that he was admitted entrance. He took a deep breath as he looked around, slowly making his way into the living room of Steve’s floor.

Steve looked up at him and there was such a relief at seeing Steve, Thor almost stumbled. For the first time, Thor noticed the way that Steve sighed, features softening with relief and it hit him.

Steve felt the same things he did. All this time.

“I did not tell you because I feared to lose what we had. I thought I was being considerate but I realized that I was being selfish.”

He thought he was doing good but truly, he had been scared.

“I think you should tell me more about this soulmate thing.”

It was a start.

>>>> 

Thor blinked a couple of times, trying to figure out where he was and why everything was dark. He was so warm and so relaxed, deciding to go back to sleep until he shifted against something. It was then that he remembered watching a movie with Steve….

Finally he opened his eyes and looked around the darkened living room, TV shut off. He turned his head and looked up, smiling softly as he caught sight of Steve’s sleeping face. Thor knew he should get up, should wake the other up because sleeping sitting like that would not be good…..but he didn’t have it in him. He relaxed back into the couch, head resting on Steve’s lap, letting his eyes close again.

He would not mind getting used to this.

>>>>

Thor laughed as they scrambled into the tower, rushing into the elevator and leaving big puddles of water on the floor. Thor chuckled, letting his hair out of his ponytail, wringing the strands of wet hair to remove the excess water.

Steve was also laughing and it was a beautiful sound.

But then, Thor watched as Steve removed his shirt and there, on his shoulder blade….

“Steve?”

Thor reached out to gently trace his name, it was clear that it was his name because he taught Steve that rune. It was the first rune he ever taught Steve.

There it laid, inked into Steve’s shoulder blade, a mirror of Thor’s own. His throat clogged up as he just stared at the mark, until Steve turned around and took Thor’s hand in his.

“I thought it was only fair.”

And Thor laughed, hugging Steve, never wanting to let go.

>>>> 

**This is love.**

>>>>

Our universe grants every soul a twin- a reflection of themselves- the kindred spirit- And no matter where they are or how far away they are from each other- even if they are in different dimensions, they will always find one another. This is destiny; this is love. 

\- Julie Dillon

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I thought making a soulmate angst au would be a good idea. 
> 
> Sorry there wasn't a lot of thundershield.
> 
> I just hope you like it!


End file.
